The challenges of life in lockdown

This unprecedented situation we have all found ourselves in is unlike anything we have ever experienced before. We have had to suddenly adapt to new ways of working and living, which can be particularly challenging for those of us who don’t like change and feel we need certainty and routine to navigate our way through life. Having the ability to meet up and socialise with friends and family members is an integral part of anyone’s mental health, so having to socially distance or going weeks or months without seeing them is inevitably going to put a strain on our wellbeing. Supermarkets and public spaces can be anxiety provoking and stressful when we have to keep two metres apart from everyone and there are massive queues. I miss just being able to pop into a local shop quickly and easily, not having to think about a horrible but necessary one way system and having to stay back from everyone.

My first university year abruptly moved online and then came to an end, like everybody else’s. Before lockdown, I had got my act together and had planned all sorts of voluntary work and paid work to keep me busy throughout the summer, as I know I’m someone who needs to fill my time to stay sane. I’d also got various holidays lined up as well as day trips and events/conferences, all of which have been postponed or cancelled. This has been particularly challenging for me, as having a lot of things to look forward to really keeps me going and helps keep me cheerful. I have been really missing my weekly choir rehearsals and found that the online Zoom sessions just weren’t the same and were actually making me miss normal rehearsals even more, so have made the decision to take a break until it eventually returns properly. Being the only one not working or having anything to do is challenging in a household where everyone else is working – although of course I’m grateful we’re all together and we all get on well! The most heartbreaking thing that has happened was suffering a bereavement and not being able to get close to/hug family members at the funeral that weren’t in my household, normally a natural instinct.

I accept that other people are in worse situations than me with tough family situations, job losses, illness etc but adapting to this peculiar and often frustrating and down-heartening time has evidently been overwhelmingly difficult for me at times, and has been a sharp lesson of resilience and tenacity to us all. I hope that this crisis will enable us to be stronger and gain more perspective with other challenges that we come across in our lives when this pandemic is over and things eventually start returning to normal. We will appreciate the small things in our lives that bring us joy so much more, and I feel we will never take things for granted ever again.

Meanwhile, here are some things that I have found helpful during this time:

Maintaining a routine – Routine is crucial for a lot of us to gain a sense of control and stability. I have been trying to make and stick to a routine each day, which includes things like eating and going to bed at the same time, and drinking a glass of water at specific points in the day. We may not have our normal routines, but planning your day out can definitely help! Luckily, I still have my Dyspraxia Foundation Youth Champion role and my Local Coordinator role and feel like I have been able to get more involved and do more things to help the youth group and members of our local group.

Exercise and nature – Going out for some fresh air every day, even in the rain, has made a real difference to my mood. Even after a ten minute walk round the block when you’re feeling sluggish and unmotivated, you will notice a decrease in your stress levels. Being immersed in nature has huge benefits for our mind and allows us to slow down and notice little things more. We have been fortunate enough to be able to explore new routes and I have set myself a nature goal of seeing a kingfisher, which has also been an exciting mission! (Potentially a barrier when you don’t have great vision as they’re so quick and difficult to spot, but I’m not going to give up.) Due to all the cancelled races, my running motivation has virtually been non-existent recently, but I will get back to it when I feel like it and have found walks just as helpful!

Reflecting on the day – On Twitter, I have been participating in #3Positives every night just before going to bed. This encourages you to think of three good things in the day, no matter how small – it could be something as simple as having your favourite meal! Not only does it help you to reframe your day more positively by appreciating the little things more (which is more challenging but particularly helpful/important on bad, low energy days), it also actively motivates you to fulfil positive things in the day – throughout the day I’m constantly aware of the fact that I have committed myself to tweeting three positives, so I’m seeking to do more things. I also always enjoy reading and responding to other people’s, and I have been told that mine brings joy to other people, which is another motivator for me to do it! This is a great initiative started by Kerry Pace, and has massively helped my wellbeing during this time.

 

Getting creative – Now we have more time than usual, I have had to find more things to occupy my busy mind and have had more time to do things I wouldn’t normally do. I have resorted to more cooking and baking, trying out new recipes including making different breads and pasta, which have been positive challenges for me. I am also really enjoying doing jigsaw puzzles, as I find them incredibly mindful and relaxing, perfect for distracting yourself from the mess of the world. We have also made our own candles, got a loom band kit, and modelling clay. I’ve even just completed my first painting by numbers project and have moved on to a different one, which I have found has the same effect as the puzzles, as well as being incredibly satisfying and rewarding once it’s finally completed! This was a revelation to me, as I’ve never been any good at, or even interested in, art. Perhaps try a new hobby or skill and you may surprise yourself with what you enjoy doing!

I also made the decision to purchase Animal Crossing New Horizons on the Nintendo Switch, which has been another creative and relaxing thing to immerse myself into. I’m constantly trying to improve Serenity (my island) and its scenery, and I’m really pleased that my sister has just bought herself one too. Disclaimer: it’s addictive!

Music – Feel good, upbeat, motivating music always lifts my spirits and never fails to make me smile. I have always liked a whole variety of artists/bands, but I seem to have periods where I can’t stop playing a certain artist/band. My guilty pleasure at the moment is Elton John – I have undoubtedly annoyed my family with the number of times I’ve played his songs recently, dancing to ‘Crocodile Rock’ and ‘I’m Still Standing’ around the kitchen and rewatching Rocketman repeatedly. Oops! Creating a playlist of your favourite music to listen to when you’re not feeling great, or turning to a particular album is a great idea.

All that said, it is definitely important to acknowledge the sadness and disappointment of this awful situation too. Whatever challenges you have faced through this crisis, it is ok to have bad days, to struggle with it all, to crave normal times again and to feel whatever you feel. There are days where I don’t feel productive, cheerful or motivated at all and I just feel like crying about everything that’s happened for me and my family since Christmas – I’m still trying to tell myself that is ok. Accept however you feel without trying to fight it, as my mentor keeps having to remind me. This pandemic will end eventually. We will get our lives back. It is just going to be a gradual, frustratingly slow, uncertain process…

 

 

 

 

When you think of university, what do you think of…?

Freshers events, drinking, parties, clubbing, clubs and societies, the new-found freedom and independence of living away from home. In fact, I chose to write about alcohol use and why it’s entrenched in the typical student life for my first assignment, taking into account all of these and more influential factors!

Being a mature student and still living at home and commuting in every day, my experience has proved to be quite different from what people would usually expect and perceive to be typical – despite this, I still regard it positively so far. A few years ago, I too imagined this wild and hectic lifestyle if/when I eventually went to university – I would have considered it not working out and being a ‘disaster’ if I hadn’t made friends and if I hadn’t gained a social life from it.

All too often, the first thing people ask me about with regards to university is whether I’ve made friends and been out drinking a lot, which I definitely don’t blame them for – that is part of the normal student culture! But it can frustrate me when the focus is primarily on that, and not on the course itself. The reason why I decided to study at university is because of the foundation year course, not the social side, especially since I’ve gone a bit older at a later stage in life. Since I’m finding the actual subject interesting and enjoyable at the moment (though a little stressful at times but that’s normal!) I think that’s the main thing; I’m not failing because my experience is a little different, I’m actually doing well on the course with thanks to the brilliant, friendly and approachable tutors who are always willing to go the extra mile to help with any queries or concerns when they can.

It has always taken me longer to get to where I want to be, hence why I’m a mature student doing a foundation year aged 21, when seemingly everyone else my age has graduated or are in their final year. Frustratingly, I have also always found it very difficult to make friends due to always feeling different, struggling to initiate/join in conversations and just being myself. Therefore, although I have spoken to other students on my course through the dreaded group work aspect, I haven’t made any firm friendships yet – but I’m not massively bothered by that. Of course it would be nice to make at least one friend, but since I know I have friends outside of university, I don’t perceive it to be the ‘end of the world’ if I don’t – I once would have thought this if I’d gone to university earlier! Moreover, if I decide to do the undergraduate degree that I’m contemplating, maybe I’ll have a better chance to integrate then – but even if that isn’t the case, as long as I enjoy the course, I’m generally happy and I have friends outside of university life, does it really matter as much as people make out?

 

Frequently I do wish that I could be out drinking and socialising more, and social media is the worst for comparison – when I see people out drinking and having fun with friends on platforms like instagram, I wish I lived closer to mine, or had local friends, so I could go out more often instead of staying at home and doing nothing. All too often, I feel like I’m missing out on the social side of things – although on the other hand, I worry about money a lot so it’s probably a good thing I don’t go out too often because it’s expensive! I also find that I really appreciate the occasional nights out that I do have with friends, much more so than I would if I went out more often. Furthermore, going out drinking/clubbing with students who I don’t know well doesn’t appeal to me anymore – I’d much rather really value the limited times I have with my real friends, with whom I also feel comfortable and more confident around. I have learned that having one or two really good friends, who you perhaps don’t get to see as often as you’d like but you always stay in touch with is much more important and valuable than having lots of people around you that you don’t really know or have much in common with. As for the clubs and societies, I have found that with my volunteering roles in my life outside of university, I simply don’t have the time to get involved with anything at the moment!

Living away from home is another thing that plays on my mind more than it should do. My brother is successfully living at university, as did my sister along with lots of other people I know, and I often wish I was too – not because I don’t like living at home, because I love living with my family and I’m not unhappy in that respect. It makes me feel bad to say that, but I guess I just want the next level of independence and freedom. I also want to prove to others and particularly to myself that I’m capable of it, since the basic life skills worry me too – in addition, I often worry that people might think I’m not capable of living independently since I’m not ready to yet. Living 30 minutes away from university isn’t really worth the rent and besides, I know I’d probably hate it. It’s not the right time for me yet – I’m my own worst critic and enemy, so I need to keep reminding myself that I will get there, I will get to a point where I can move out, just because it’s not happened yet doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to. I need to trust my journey a bit more and not rush it. Things will happen for me in my own time! Being a mature student and having an all round different university experience than most people’s exciting student life can feel quite tough at times, but it is as valuable and worthy as anyone else’s. I do feel frustrated with it at times, but I generally feel ok about it because it’s the course I’m focusing on completing.

 

So please, the next time you ask me about university, don’t ask me about whether I’ve made lots of friends and been out a lot. Ask me about the course itself, the city and what I’m enjoying about it.

 

 

 

I have been wanting to write about mental health for a while, but have been unsure of how to start and apprehensive due to the personal, wide and often sensitive topic. However, I feel that it would be cathartic for me to share some things I’m going through and hopefully it will enable us to feel less alone, even if my writing isn’t the best! I’ve always found mental health difficult to talk about verbally, but can express it in writing more easily.

 

When I first got diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2015, I assumed they were things that I would eventually recover from. For some people with mild/moderate mental illness, this can certainly be the reality. However, particularly this year more than ever I’ve come to accept that for me personally, depression and anxiety are illnesses that I’m likely going to have to frustratingly learn to manage and control, to live with throughout my life.

Sometimes, I experience sudden bouts of low mood. After quite a while of feeling fairly content and happy with the world in general, beginning to contemplate whether I’ve overcome mental illness for good, suddenly the big black overwhelming cloud engulfs me out of nowhere, which is really confusing for me. The black dog surprises me from time to time, for no logical reason or explanation. These episodes are really frustrating for often my family too. Usually, because I cannot articulate what’s wrong, I often feel a strong sense of guilt and selfishness. It must be really difficult for my family to know how to help, what to say, whether to approach me or leave me alone. I must be really difficult to be around, so when the black dog visits I tend to isolate myself and spend even more time alone, because I don’t want to burden, annoy or bring my family down. More often than not, I realise being alone when I’m experiencing spiralling negative thoughts about myself is a bad idea, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. On hard days, I also lack motivation and energy, feel sluggish and unproductive, struggle to be sociable, and sometimes the basics such as drinking and eating enough are unintentionally neglected – there is so much more to depression than just sadness! There is no logic to depression or any other mental illness – I’ve just broken up from university for a week’s break, it’s my sister’s birthday and we’re going out for a meal, so I ‘should’ be happy, and yet I’ve felt really tearful today and overwhelmed with overthinking and negative self talk, for no clear reason. One thing I’ve learnt is that mental illness is incredibly illogical and unpredictable as to when it will hit me and when it will pass again.

There is no straightforward answer as to how to help when I’m experiencing one of these down days. My family often ask me this, and I’m always unsure of what to say. I think the biggest thing anyone could do is to try and understand; no one will be able to understand completely if they haven’t experienced it themselves, but accepting it for what it is (an illness) and realising that I can’t help it and I’m trying my best would mean everything, taking the time to find out more and just being there. Little acts of kindness also mean a lot!

It is also scary, because of the unpredictability of it – I’ve seen how bad things can get, the dark places my mind has taken me before, and I tend to panic that my mental health is deteriorating again and I will relapse to a particular bad, severe episode that I experienced earlier this year when I get low again.

 

There is no better feeling than taking some time to slow down and indulge in a little ‘me time’ – the difficulties of daily life may grind you down, leave you feeling low or anxious. Therefore, I feel that it is paramount that you regularly do something nice for you, to lift your spirits and be at peace once again with your often troublesome mind.

My go to place when I want to escape the stresses of daily life is my local canal. To me, it is a haven of tranquility; there is something about hearing the quiet song of the birds in the trees, the solidarity of being alone, the open landscape, that I find incredibly mindful and calming. It forces you to take notice of what’s around you and to live in the moment, which creates a strong sense of serenity for me.

There is just something about being in the countryside amongst nature, where you feel like nothing in the world can get to you – the susurration of the green wheat in the fields, the gentle flow of the canal’s water, are a hymn sung straight into my soul, the grazing sheep, trees and lush green grass all part of the music as I walk along. The more the breeze blisters, the birds tweet, the quieter my mind becomes and the more at peace I feel with the world.

Even in the grey winter, the glistening frost makes the landscape idyllic.

Spring is my favourite season to be walking along the canal and over the rolling fields. The season of birth, of renewed hope, of radiance. The promise of sunshine as a developing photograph – the colours deepening with the richness of the season. Wild flowers rising from the earth, looking to the casual eye as weeds before they bloom into their bold colours.

Even at my lowest points, my darkest days, when I feel unmotivated or too fatigued to do anything, when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I make the effort to retreat to my relaxing place (depending on the weather!) I may not be able to run away from my problems, but I can at least distract myself for a while and make myself feel better.

What’s your happy, go to, peaceful place?

Most young women love makeup, and are great at applying it and making themselves look good. Unfortunately, due to my difficulty with some fine motor skill tasks, this is harder for me to do.

Admittedly, I’ve never been a big fan of makeup. Don’t get me wrong, I really like how it looks when it’s on – I also find that I can feel a bit more confident whilst wearing it – but as it takes me a long time to apply, and I’ve never mastered the skill properly, I don’t wear it every day unlike most other people my age. I find it too much of a hassle to bother with on a day to day basis, although I often feel self conscious without any on out and about. I feel there is almost an expectation placed on women to wear it all the time, and people think you’re weird if you don’t. Everyone thinks I’m younger than my age when they meet me and I’m not wearing makeup, because twenty year old women tend to always wear it!

When I’m going for a day/night out with friends or family, I like to always make the effort to apply it, even if it’s just a bit of foundation and blusher to cover my imperfections and enhance my look, although it can take me longer to get ready!

My makeup applying skills have definitely improved, and hopefully will continue to improve the more I practise; I never used to be able to put anything on myself without making a mess, always having to ask my mum or sister to do it for me which was nothing short of frustrating. Now, I can do the basics myself – concealer, foundation, blusher, mascara, a bit of eyeshadow. Even so, it can take me a long time to get it just right, and there are continuous instances of putting too much of something on and looking orange, or not matching the colours properly and looking like a clown! I still can’t do eye makeup very well, and have never been able to master the art of eyeliner – it just goes everywhere! In addition, I’ve never understood how you ‘match colours’ or how to pick the right colours for your personal skin tone. My knowledge of make up is virtually non-existent.

Above: my selection of makeup that I don’t often wear!

Nail varnish has been something that I’ve had to stay away from. I remember when I was in my early teenage years, I used to want to apply it every time I went to a concert for some bizarre reason. I failed to see that it was all over my fingers, not having a good understanding of my dyspraxia then, failing to acknowledge that I had more difficulty with nail polish than most other people. Another period of my life was in year ten at school, wanting to fit in with all the other girls and so attempting to put makeup on every morning before I went. This resulted in a completely orange look, I had no awareness of what I couldn’t do!

When you have thick, naturally wavy hair, you can get a lot of compliments. However, I’ve always found this another area of difficulty to manage, although as I’ve got older I can effectively do it myself now. It can get tangled and out of control! As it often goes all over the place, I have a tendency to straighten it a little more often than I evidently should – this has resulted in dry, frizzy hair. Although I try not to straighten it as much, it can be hard to resist when I think it looks a mess, and brushing it won’t work. It’s a constant dilemma!

Above: hair care products that I like to use!

Not fitting in to the natural expectations of society has caused me to compare myself to prettier girls a lot, and has caused me to worry that people are judging me for not wearing makeup. I wish I liked makeup more, I wish I could apply it more effectively and be like most other young women my age, I wish I felt comfortable with how I looked in my own skin and I wish my hair I wasn’t such a nightmare to look after!

Dyspraxia can make these skills more difficult to learn, and I wish more people recognised and understood that I want to fit in, but I can’t always do the skills that I want to do!